Awake now, a wake later

It's like 3 minutes before 12

and my eyes are still wide open.

Thoughts running in my mind

like there's a race ongoing.

I'm perplexed by what tomorrow will be

if I'll know that it's my last day.

Last day to wake up, eat, see everyone I love

and last day to sleep; what would I do and say?

Am I going to be with the family?

Even if it will just remind me

of the people I will be leaving behind.

Where I think I'll end pretending I'm fine

when being fine is what I cannot find.

Am I going to call my friends over?

Have fun with them

through different kinds of leisure.

Spill childhood stories and build plans

forgetting that leaving is part of human nature.

Am I going to plan everything?

Get my bank named to my sister

and write letters of farewell.

When I know it'll just break me whole

making the words 'goodbye' difficult to spell.

Am I going to post and share it to people?

When they didn't even care that I'm living

how much more when I'm gone.

Receive empathy from those who think I'm a king

when truth be told, I'm just a pawn.

Am I going to be with myself?

Think of why and what else to do

Who else am I going to call? Tell them I cannot stay.

Should I cry? or should I try something new?

Or I'll accept thy fate and smile for the whole day.

It's now 1:30

and I'm still staring at the ceiling,

Imagining my own wake

while I'm still awake.

Photo by Bryan G. Fernandez II